My number is 32 today and the spider card told me to write so I’m trying. I’m also deciding which word I want to manifest in the year I’m 32.
30’s word was LEAVE. I left a country and I almost left a marriage. I left multiple jobs. I left the stability of an easy, unfulfilled life in San Diego.
31’s word was SHED. Today I’m 32 and I would like to stop shedding, please! All along Sri Lanka’s beaches and the USA’s highways, I shed so many plans by failing at them, shed tears of frustration and nostalgia for when times were easier. I shed my old beliefs about who I was and what I wanted so fast no one could keep up and I became one long string of “crazy ideas” to many. I almost shed my marriage again, and only kept it hanging by a thread after giving it up as a lost cause.
Some things I didn’t shed easily but rather had pried from my grip. Money, pride, independence, ego had to be ripped away from me fast and rough, like a mugger rips a purse off someone’s shoulder on a busy street, and runs. I said “I can be happy anywhere” and then the Universe said “Okay, prove it.” I shed until I stood here shivering, back in Arizona’s winter like deja vu, and I had no choice but to rebuild. I shed all my outer layers, all self-identifying labels I didn’t need any more. I learned to give in to the shedding. Now I shed my skin here regularly, writing and speaking words of my story in hopes someone might hear some resonance.
I desire 32’s word to be GROUND but I have no illusions anymore that my desires are in fact definitely correct or what I need. I am pulling in the strength which runs through the earth into my blood to help me rebuild a life better than my old one. With the strength of solid earth inside me and the challenge of the wind trying to shake me, I am ready to face my shadows this year. To see all parts of myself clearly, old wounds and fears and heartaches, and welcome them in to sit together at the table of my heart. To say “Hello, old friends,” and bring my darkness into light. I am ready once again to take ownership of my own life, joy, and suffering. No longer a victim to circumstance or the mistakes of others, I got myself here and here. I. am.
Hello 32. Let’s get to work.