Then and now on the mountain

Today I’m grateful, above all, for my sobriety. I don’t know how obvious the difference in these pictures is, but for me these days feel like a huge before/after.

3 years ago, the last time I went snowboarding before yesterday, I was a sick, hungover, and anxious mess and I couldn’t enjoy it at all. I went on all of 3 runs pretending to enjoy it but I wasn’t. I had been on a bender, secretly hiding how much I was drinking from family, unable to sleep, and physically falling apart. Zach was freaked out about me but didn’t know how to hellp. I couldn’t understand why my “solution” was failing me. Later that day I took a shit ton of Xanax to try to calm down and made him drive the whole 7 hour drive home to San Diego by himself cause I physically couldn’t help.

Yesterday, we went back to the same mountain for the first time since that day. Both of us are now sober. I’m still not the best snowboarder in the world, but I got to enjoy it! I had fun. My muscles picked it up again quickly. I’m in much better shape. I don’t have crippling anxiety. I can laugh it off when I fall. I can do hard things. After getting tired and getting down from the mountain we grabbed some NA beer for old times sake. We don’t regularly drink “near beer” but it was fun and nostalgic and tasted good.

And today we get to show up for Thanksgiving with our family and be helpful. I know that I won’t make a fool of myself; I won’t forget whole conversations; I won’t feel terrible tomorrow. I can secretly roll my eyes about the crazy things they say and let them be themselves without having to get drunk about it.

Sobriety is the best gift I never wanted.