In recovery for me each year seems to have a theme. Year 4 was all about digging deep, uncovering what was buried and facing the roots of my trauma and addiction. Bringing the darkness to light.
Recovery year 5 so far looks like it’s about letting go, which is basically also what all of recovery is about. You let go of your addiction first, so you think that the rest of your life can fall nicely into line, but that’s not usually how it works. Things get worse, and then different, and then, eventually, better. (Paraphrase of Laura McKowen’s words.) But you have to let go of your own expectations of the life you thought you wanted. Year 5 so far seems to be about knowing myself better than I ever have before, knowing my darkness, and letting go anyway. Beginning to drop that desire to blame others incessantly. Letting go of my own still shitty coping mechanisms - perfectionism, workaholism, judgement, sugar and caffeine. Quitting jobs that no longer serve me and letting go of trying to please everyone and do everything. Letting go of my desires to fix and change the world and people around me. The truth is that I’m only 33 years old in this lifetime and I’m an opinionated asshole a lot of the time. I believe I know what’s best for everyone but I’m starting to finally learn that what might be best is to just let everyone figure it out for themselves. To stop forcing anything.
It’s like I’m the dandelion stem and when a breeze comes through I can choose to chase after all my fluffs blowing off in different directions or just enjoy the view as they fly away.
Bringing it back to just me, my truth, and my gut instincts which have never led me astray. My yoga student/teacher today said this is “the math of embodiment.” To be so connected to core that you can look at everything else as external pieces that might fit or might not. Figure out what’s a true fit in your puzzle and what’s slowly chipping you away from the outside and not going to work. And being able to call it sooner on the things that don’t work, don’t fit, so you don’t have to struggle for as long. Creating that space for something better. I think letting go is always going to feel scary to me but the more I practice the more it becomes a thrilling kind of scary, rather than a terrifying kind.